Why are Some Causes of Grief Unacceptable to Society?

By Rheyanne Weaver

August 11, 2010 – 11:55pm 1 comments

When you take care of something for months or even years, you can grow attached to it, especially when it brings you happiness. For example, I became attached to several of my pet rats. Of course, the inevitable happened: they died. Although some people didn’t understand, I went through a minor grieving process and even cried over my lost furry friends. Then again, those same people really didn’t understand my intense attachment to my rats while they were still living in the first place.

Disenfranchised grief is generally known as grief that is “less acceptable” by society. Pet loss is an example, since people can reason that pets aren’t human so they don’t matter as much. I’m guessing some pet owners wouldn’t agree, but in general if you show too many emotions over a dead pet, you’ll get puzzled looks and laughs. Even with pets there is a hierarchy. Most people would think something is wrong with you if you cried over a pet fish dying, but it might be different for a dog.

Two employees from Hospice of Palm Beach County in Florida together shared their knowledge of grief through e-mail: Regina Di Pietro, director of supportive services, and Chelsea Johnson, manager of supportive services. “Grief is a normal and natural response to loss,” they said. “It is physiological as well as emotional and spiritual.” It is important to distinguish between the sadness and depressed feelings associated with grief and those of clinical depression, since it’s “not a normal response.”

Culture and religion can play a part in how people grieve, as well as understanding and acceptance. Some cultures may not understand the connection between pets and their owners, and therefore grief may be frowned upon, whereas grieving over a lost child is usually met with empathy and acceptance. Generally, this society expects quick recovery, and long term or complicated grief could be seen as weakness.”

Disenfranchised grief can be harder to recover from and may create feelings of guilt and shame because of the stigma attached to some causes of grief, because we rationalize why we can’t feel, or why we shouldn’t.

I think we have to understand that grief is so personal and so individual that we can’t decide what someone should feel by our own standards. Some of us cry when we watch a sad commercial, while others never shed a tear despite loss and pain. Also, a lot of time with disenfranchised loss, people around you don’t know you’re grieving. This can cause a much slower recovery, as one of the healing parts of grief is the expression of the pain. The recovery process is the same for all types of grief, but sometimes there are support groups for specific causes of grief so people can relate.

Without limits or time expectations, the only way out is…working through the grief. It is what we have to do to really recover. There are no quick fixes, and with respect and working with people who understand…it can make it easier.

So, is grief ever beneficial? The pain is never a good thing, but the response and the emotional process can be healing. If you walk the journey, it can be a good thing when you come out on the other end. We will all grieve at some point. It is something that you can take the good out of…but we would never choose the pain.